The fever and the stomach pangs weren’t the worst part, it was the tormented dreams I had.
These two months have been trying.
***
Last night, I worked for True Fitness, brushed my twice teeth in a Basilica church’s fountain (it might have even been Holy Water), got into a fight, and won some award by default for a text based visual work that looked more like a liquid paper mistake.
***
I ended a relationship that I thought would last forever and in the process, found myself hopelessly reminded how naive I was; angry at my own stupidity, helplessly cynical, and haplessly yearning for reconciliation.
***
How does one stay kind and young when all that is thrown at you is cynicism and disappointment?
***
I woke up, 30 minutes earlier than I needed to, just so I can cook us meat porridge with Korean seasoned sweet-salty black beans before we made our track down to San Diego. You had tasted my recipe for the first time just a few days ago and you had exclaimed how much you loved it. I was happy that I was able to make you happy, even with such simple physical sustenance.
***
We sat there in silence while the rest of the club thumped the night away for happier revelers. I didn’t know how to respond to your pain. Surely since I have not been in a relationship as long as yours, I could not have completely understood the pain you must’ve felt having been in that relationship for more than 5 years. The shock and utter fear in being violently betrayed by someone you loved. I don’t know if you knew but as you leaned in my arm, I was hopelessly fighting back hot tears, angry for the disrespect you suffered, pained by what you must surely have been feeling. We weren’t even BFFs yet, we haven’t gone on our trips either.
I’m glad you guys eventually married, and 5 years later having experienced my own unfortunate relationships, know now how much work and love it took to get to where you guys are. It was pure joy for me when you told me that you were finally getting married. It wasn’t because I thought that’s the only way you can be whole, it’s just because that I’m glad you found that much happiness, enough to take the plunge. I hold both of you in high regard.
***
You showed up pretty much disheveled. A few days ago, you had told us that you had “unfriended us” and for us to stop contacting you. I knew something was wrong but biting on my own hurt and tongue, I kept things as professional as you wanted them to be. I smiled and didn’t let on that I was concerned and frankly bothered by your alienation.
A month later, you told me why. I still want to kick your ass for what you did and for pushing us away when we wanted to be there for you, because and but I still love you very much. Because and but.
***
The road was relatively clear and dry but it must have been my guardian angels who kept me from veering off the road, blinded by tears I could not rationalize. It’s been more than a month and I don’t want to know how much of my sporadic dips into breakdown is because of you that was Friday, Monday and finally Sunday.
***
Right before I fell into slumber, dazed from the fever, I called your name. Either because I was truly delirious or the drama of the moment was somehow cathartic.
In the subconscious, I was your colleague. A disgruntled middle aged woman asked me to settle a dispute she had about your class. I didn’t get to chope my spot and so I will miss the first 3 songs, can I ask to play them again towards the end? For a dream, it seemed like a reasonable request, so I obliged professionally. But when you showed up, I couldn’t (didn’t?) speak with you directly because the stomach pangs had returned, and I asked instead for another of our colleagues to relate the message to you. You never saw me.
Why are you still haunting me when you were the one who decided it’s too hard to stay?
***
While I was dreaming, each time you came into the picture, my body retched with pain. Suddenly, what I had worked hard to repress in my conscious hours was pressing hard back at my stomach. I woke up with tears encrusted at the corners of my eyes, keeping me from fully opening them. You are a part of me.
***
I must’ve been orphaned or homeless but when I woke up, I thought it weird that I had to brush my teeth at a Basilica. It could’ve been any church, but it had sandstone walls and a little tap dripping into a well-like trough. The water tasted like fresh spring water. I remember thinking in my dream how quaint would it be if a mystical turtle or snail waddled in the trough, blessing whoever uses the tap.
***
I sat in my seat as you celebrated your day. The day that I had reverently and viciously guarded from other engagements ever since you declared it so. The day that I was expecting ever since we went recce-ing for the perfect wedding ring from Tiffany, Bvlgari and more. I never saw the final ring, and today, all you called me was a guest. Ignored and with no idea why I was so hurt, I stood up and left behind what I rarely would have ever left – a dear friend.
***
My love has suddenly become too precious in the last two months.
***
Finally last night, after rushing the star into the elevator and then dashing back home to get ready for date already late, my body gave way from nearly two months of emotional and physical strain. A fever erupted and the gnawing in my stomach signaled that I had crashed.
Right now, I can only find solace in knowing that nothing is permanent.
Tan Shou Chen 